Into the Ocean
by silentmusic16
Summary: Whoever said "'Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all" must've never lost anyone too important to them. Valentine's Day one-shot! Has some bad language, not too much, though. Completed.


**Well this is my Valentine's Day one-shot! Not much to say...so enjoy!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own kingdom hearts or it's characters. That's ssquare and disney. I do own the story, though!**

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_~Now, waking to the sun I calculate what I had done.  
_

_Like jumping from the bow, yea, just to prove that I knew how, yea.  
_

_Its Midnight's late reminder of the loss of her; the one I love._

_My will to quickly end it all  
_

_Sat front row in my need to fall._

_Into the ocean end it all...~_

Into the Ocean-Blue October

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Whoever said "'Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all" must've never lost anyone too important to them. They must have never been ripped from their sky, their sun, their stars, and thrust into an unforgiving black hole. Because I've _loved _and _lost_ and I would give anything to forget everything and go back to being the naïve little boy who believed in true love.

It had started 3 years ago. It was a typical modern fairytale with the super popular jock (me) falling for the insanely shy and unpopular smart pretty girl. Her name was Namine, a beautiful name that made me smile every time I said it. And when she said Roxas, my heart practically jumped out of my chest. Her sweet chiming voice just made the word sound out through the air. We were together through all of junior year and so it wasn't a surprise when we went to the prom together.

Throughout senior year, things between us became even more serious. I told Namine that I loved her for the first time that year. And I truly did love that blonde beauty. Everything about her made me smile and when she was crying I wanted the world around us to stop just so that I could be with her forever in that one moment of beautiful sadness. She was my every thought and the only source of color in my world. When we weren't together everything was gray and colorless.

It was only natural for us to move into an apartment together when we went to the same college after graduating from high school. Living together brought us even closer and we ended up sleeping together once. Seeing her in her purest form, under the soft glow of the full moon made me realize that I loved her more than I had originally thought; I wanted to spend my whole life with her.

I waited for Valentine's Day that year to pop the question. After work I walked up to the apartment door and willed myself to conjure up the confidence to ask my love to be mine forever. _You can do this!_ I thought. _You want her, don't you? You want it to be Namine who you wake up next to every morning, right? So go in there and ask her to marry you, damn it!_

So I slowly opened up the door, uttering "Honey, I'm home!" But when I saw her on the bed, moaning, being screwed by my best friend I lost all feeling in my body. She was kissing him passionately and screaming his name in pleasure. On the floor was a spilled bottle of red wine and discarded articles of clothing. Without a word or a noise I placed the small blue velvet box containing the diamond engagement ring softly on the ground and walked out of the room, the door hardly making a noise as it closed. I thought that Namine had seen me walk out, but I didn't care any longer.

My heart was glass and seeing Namine with another man shattered it. There was no point in trying anyway, like Humpty Dumpty, nothing could put my heart back together again. So I rented an apartment and didn't leave for anything but the necessities, like food and work. My world was gray and even the brightest sunlight couldn't shed a color in the dark pits of my life. I didn't think, I didn't laugh, I didn't even cry. I was like a robot or something; I really didn't care what happened to me. I drank a lot and started smoking cigarettes to pass the time. We all die in the end anyway, so what was the point in not smoking?

For the first few months after the incident, Sora, my supposed best friend who had slept with my love, and Namine called me every hour of every day, but I didn't pick up the phone. They emailed me, but I deleted the messages without even looking at the contents. Once in a while they would even come knocking at my door (how they got the address still beat me), but I never answered the door.

They stopped after a few months with only trying to call me, and a month after that Sora stopped calling all together. But Namine called me at least once, every day, despite my incessant pattern of not answering.

It was exactly one year later, on Valentine's Day, that I finally decided to answer one of Namine's calls. I don't know why I did, I just answered the call without thinking.

"Hello?" I asked, voice monotone and uncaring. As if it could've been anything else.

"R-Roxas? A-are you really answering the phone?" her voice was desperate, hopeful.

"What do you want?"

"Can I come over, please?"

"No. Good bye" I was about to hang up the phone before she screamed her plea.

"Wait! Please, let me come over. I-I have to give you your ring back…so that when you decide to marry someone else you wouldn't have to spend money."

"...Fine."

"Thank yo-" I hung up the phone before she could finish speaking.

Some number of minutes later (I didn't count time anymore. What could I have possibly been waiting for?) Namine showed up in front of my door. I took my time as I went to go answer the door; I wasn't in any rush to see the girl who basically ended my life. Finally I opened the door, but I didn't look anywhere near her eyes, instead I was looking at the ground.

"So where's the ring?" I asked with my eyes still glued to the diamond shaped pattern in the rug beneath me.

"Right here." She put her hand under my eyes so that I could see the blue velvet casing.

I grabbed it and turned back towards my apartment while I waited for her to leave. "Please Roxas; let me explain what happened that day."

"Why? What does it matter anymore? Whatever happened is over and things can't go back to the way they were, so where's the point in explaining anything?"

"Because I have to get this guilt and built up emotion off of my chest before it crushes me to death. You don't know how it feels to lose someone you love."

"Are you serious?" I looked up, suddenly very angry. She gasped at my appearance, but I knew why; my eyes were bloodshot from insomnia and drinking, while I was a pale ghost of my former tan self. My previously bright blue irises were dull and lifeless and my hair had lost its golden shine.

"_You_ think _I_ don't know what it feels like to lose someone that I love? Namine, I caught you having sex with my best friend! But I don't know what it feels like to have everything that I love taken from me?! You moaned his name more than you ever moaned mine; you kissed him more passionately than you kissed me. You told him you loved him over and over while he screwed you when you really only said that to me twice!"

"I'm sorry Roxas! It didn't happen like you think it happened!"

"Yeah? Humor me."

"I had set up the table for us that evening with candles, wine, and music when Sora walked in looking for you. I told him that you would probably be back from work in an hour, but I offered him some wine while he waited. Without realizing it, we had gone through 5 or 6 glasses of the wine and were both drunk. After that everything was a blur until you walked in. My stupor immediately ended and we didn't even finish having sex! I tried getting you to answer my calls for a year!"

I shook my head slowly side to side. "Ok, so you were drunk. Now I'm supposed to take you back or something? No amount of explanation is going to change things between us."

"But…"

"I still love you Namine, and I'm pretty sure I always will; after all, you have my heart, but we can't be together."

Timidly, with her big blue eyes shining with tears, she asked "Is there someone else?"

"No."

"So why can't we be together again?!"

"I still love you, but I could never trust you again. And without trust, there is no relationship."

"That was a onetime thing; I swear it will never happen again."

"Really? So you won't get drunk and screw the mailman one day when I'm at work?" I asked sarcastically. She flinched.

Namine started crying and at that moment almost all of my resolve was lost. That damaged angel was probably just as hurt from the break up as I was, but instead of the way I felt, she must've blamed herself and felt guilty. I walked towards her slowly and awkwardly put my arms around her to calm her down. But when I felt her familiar shape fit perfectly with my own, the hug became natural and I even started crying. The year of pent up emotions inside of me released and my tears patted slowly on her flaxen hair.

I don't know how long we had stayed like that, but when we finally separated it was night time everything felt…better. It felt almost like that whole, dark year had never happened and I truly felt happy for the first time in a long time.

"You know I would never do anything like that to you again, right?" Namine asked between sniffles.

"Yes."

"So…do you want to celebrate Valentine's Day with me?" her tone was hopeful and innocent and pure.

I was holding both of her dainty hands lightly in mine. "Sure."

Our dinner date went great. We ate at my apartment and got along as though we had never broken up in the first place. We weren't laughing or talking much, but just hearing her voice again made me realize how much I was missing. Even being next to her on my couch brought a great sense of ease over me.

"Well, I should be going." It was midnight and she had gotten up from her seat next to me on the couch.

She neared the door and I couldn't let her leave. "No…you can stay for the night, if you wish."

Her warming, shy smile sent familiar butterflies fluttering through my stomach and she walked back towards me. We embraced in a hug and I lightly kissed the top of her forehead.

As we walked towards my room to sleep for the night, I remembered the ring in my pocket and I gently placed it on my dresser top. "Maybe we can try that again someday." I whispered to her.

"Maybe."

In my bed, she faced one of my walls and I cuddled into her, my arms around her petite body and my head in the crook of her neck.

"I love you." I breathed softly in her ear.

"I love you too." She turned around and kissed me. I kissed back and the start of the rest of our lives began.

Maybe never having loved would be easier, but if I hadn't ever loved and lost, I never would've gained what was mine in the first place~X~

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**The song for this one-shot is _Into the Ocean-_ by Blue October**


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